The Number……
I needed an idea of what to write about so I called my best friend Kel and asked if she had any good ideas; of course she did. Kel is a bartemptreess and they have some strange conversations, I mean come on we’ve all seen “Waiting” these people who serve us our food have nothing better to do than make fun of the customer’s and party. She had some strange ideas at first like Anal Sex for Midgets, Beer and Bullfighting, LSD and White water Rafting, Blondes for President, and finally The Number.
Ah, yes, The Number! You all know what number I’m talking about, the one you want to ask every girl you date about but are genuinely afraid of the answer. If you still don’t know, it’s the number of people you’ve slept with. This is a pretty serious matter and I will be as candid and as frank as I can be ensuring to offend the general public.
It’s just a number right? It’s all in the past? It doesn’t matter, she’s with me now? Right… This question has ended more relationships than internet porn! And it’s usually the person asking, ending the relationship. How do you ask the question? Why do you ask the question? What answer do you really want to hear? How do you recover from the answer you didn’t want to hear? These are all questions you should ask yourself before you ask your partner.
How do you ask the question? This is a subject in a new relationship that can be approached easily enough, the topic of sex. It’s usually best to take a casual approach so she doesn’t think you’re some sort of sex addict or nympho; joking and sexual innuendo usually do the trick. That will get the ball rolling and allow for some mutual stories to be shared and then once you get a good feel, figuratively not literally, you can proceed, albeit with caution, to the big question. Straightforward and upfront is the best way, just ask, “So how many people have you been with?” if she counters this with another question, such as, “Well do you mean orally, anally, vaginally, or at the same time?” You should draw a huge red letter “A” on her chest and run for the hills. If she looks confused, or deep in though, you want to take the answer with a grain of salt because it’s more than likely not true. If she asks for scratch paper and a calculator, repeat evacuation plan above. But if she’s calm and slightly hesitant; because she cares about you; and answers in a timely fashion you more than likely have an honest answer. What you do with that answer is up to you.
Now why do you want to ask the question? This should have been in the above paragraph but I’m writing so fuck you. Why do some people insist on knowing? Well it’s the “Chasing Amy” syndrome; we’re insecure about our sexual past and hope we’re on the same level as our new mate. We also ask to see how we measure up to the past and we all want to be the best they’ve ever had. It’s also good to know if we need to brush up on the ol’ Karma Sutra book or go ask your favorite exotic dancer for some pointers in the sack. We want to be Chris Columbus and be the first to find things and discover new places. That’s completely overrated and it’s much easier if she’s got a little sexual experience under her belt and can move on her own. But it’s a question that can drive some people to madness, like Holden McNeil, and force you into an awkward situation depending on the answer given.
Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!! This is corny but it’s true. If the number is low, it’s not a big deal, just so long as her past matches up to the number. If she has some pretty bizarre sexual stories and a low number then she’s a lying tramp (most of the time). The one exception to this is if she was, at one point in her life a lesbian, and didn’t count the ladies. You guys can laugh but I’ve had it happen. I was once told that her parents would most definitely like me because I have a penis; she went on to explain that she’d dated just girls for the past eight years or something like that and her parents would be happy she was now in a heterosexual relationship. I can’t make this shit up. If the girls number is high, this means two things; one: she could be a closet case nympho and just flat out loves to fuck; two: she likes you more than you think and is just being honest for the sake of the relationship. You need to evaluate this and proceed with caution.
It’s up to you to decide how high’s too high. That’s a matter of personal views and standards, I have no standards and my personal view is pretty strange so I can’t give you direct answers on this. You just have to ask yourself how much you dig this girl and if you can handle a future with a girl that’s banged more than a screen door in a hurricane. Some people don’t have a problem knowing the real answer, they can accept it and carry on having a normal life. I mean come on people marry porn stars! But if having sex with her always feels like sitting on warm toilet seat; you know someone just got up from doing what you’re about to do; it’s a problem in your head and you need to fix yourself or end the relationship. But be very careful, if you chose to end it. Ending it because of something as shallow as this will result in a very harsh breakup. You’ll be called narrow minded, insensitive, insecure, as well as having your number thrown in your face and being called everything you called her, because lets face it, you’re not trying out for the priesthood either. It’s a tough decision and you should consider the relationship in the long run, do you really want the mother of your children to be know as “Finger Cuffs?” That’s all on you.
Authors note: I’m writing this, so it’s from the point of view of a 24, almost 25 year old male. It’s written one sided but it can be applied for women who need to ask their guys the question. “Finger Cuffs” was stolen from Chasing Amy because I’m not witty enough at this hour to come up with another nickname for a whore. Oh wait how about “Ten Dollar Tina” or “Hand-job Hailey” just throwing those out there. Anyways thanks for reading and please tell me what you think. Also I never ask about the number, I’m not emotionally ready to know the kind of destruction I will receive as an answer. Plus I’m a gentleman and never kiss and tell, at least I don’t tell the whole story.
J
Ah, yes, The Number! You all know what number I’m talking about, the one you want to ask every girl you date about but are genuinely afraid of the answer. If you still don’t know, it’s the number of people you’ve slept with. This is a pretty serious matter and I will be as candid and as frank as I can be ensuring to offend the general public.
It’s just a number right? It’s all in the past? It doesn’t matter, she’s with me now? Right… This question has ended more relationships than internet porn! And it’s usually the person asking, ending the relationship. How do you ask the question? Why do you ask the question? What answer do you really want to hear? How do you recover from the answer you didn’t want to hear? These are all questions you should ask yourself before you ask your partner.
How do you ask the question? This is a subject in a new relationship that can be approached easily enough, the topic of sex. It’s usually best to take a casual approach so she doesn’t think you’re some sort of sex addict or nympho; joking and sexual innuendo usually do the trick. That will get the ball rolling and allow for some mutual stories to be shared and then once you get a good feel, figuratively not literally, you can proceed, albeit with caution, to the big question. Straightforward and upfront is the best way, just ask, “So how many people have you been with?” if she counters this with another question, such as, “Well do you mean orally, anally, vaginally, or at the same time?” You should draw a huge red letter “A” on her chest and run for the hills. If she looks confused, or deep in though, you want to take the answer with a grain of salt because it’s more than likely not true. If she asks for scratch paper and a calculator, repeat evacuation plan above. But if she’s calm and slightly hesitant; because she cares about you; and answers in a timely fashion you more than likely have an honest answer. What you do with that answer is up to you.
Now why do you want to ask the question? This should have been in the above paragraph but I’m writing so fuck you. Why do some people insist on knowing? Well it’s the “Chasing Amy” syndrome; we’re insecure about our sexual past and hope we’re on the same level as our new mate. We also ask to see how we measure up to the past and we all want to be the best they’ve ever had. It’s also good to know if we need to brush up on the ol’ Karma Sutra book or go ask your favorite exotic dancer for some pointers in the sack. We want to be Chris Columbus and be the first to find things and discover new places. That’s completely overrated and it’s much easier if she’s got a little sexual experience under her belt and can move on her own. But it’s a question that can drive some people to madness, like Holden McNeil, and force you into an awkward situation depending on the answer given.
Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!! This is corny but it’s true. If the number is low, it’s not a big deal, just so long as her past matches up to the number. If she has some pretty bizarre sexual stories and a low number then she’s a lying tramp (most of the time). The one exception to this is if she was, at one point in her life a lesbian, and didn’t count the ladies. You guys can laugh but I’ve had it happen. I was once told that her parents would most definitely like me because I have a penis; she went on to explain that she’d dated just girls for the past eight years or something like that and her parents would be happy she was now in a heterosexual relationship. I can’t make this shit up. If the girls number is high, this means two things; one: she could be a closet case nympho and just flat out loves to fuck; two: she likes you more than you think and is just being honest for the sake of the relationship. You need to evaluate this and proceed with caution.
It’s up to you to decide how high’s too high. That’s a matter of personal views and standards, I have no standards and my personal view is pretty strange so I can’t give you direct answers on this. You just have to ask yourself how much you dig this girl and if you can handle a future with a girl that’s banged more than a screen door in a hurricane. Some people don’t have a problem knowing the real answer, they can accept it and carry on having a normal life. I mean come on people marry porn stars! But if having sex with her always feels like sitting on warm toilet seat; you know someone just got up from doing what you’re about to do; it’s a problem in your head and you need to fix yourself or end the relationship. But be very careful, if you chose to end it. Ending it because of something as shallow as this will result in a very harsh breakup. You’ll be called narrow minded, insensitive, insecure, as well as having your number thrown in your face and being called everything you called her, because lets face it, you’re not trying out for the priesthood either. It’s a tough decision and you should consider the relationship in the long run, do you really want the mother of your children to be know as “Finger Cuffs?” That’s all on you.
Authors note: I’m writing this, so it’s from the point of view of a 24, almost 25 year old male. It’s written one sided but it can be applied for women who need to ask their guys the question. “Finger Cuffs” was stolen from Chasing Amy because I’m not witty enough at this hour to come up with another nickname for a whore. Oh wait how about “Ten Dollar Tina” or “Hand-job Hailey” just throwing those out there. Anyways thanks for reading and please tell me what you think. Also I never ask about the number, I’m not emotionally ready to know the kind of destruction I will receive as an answer. Plus I’m a gentleman and never kiss and tell, at least I don’t tell the whole story.
J
posted by J at 5:57 AM
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