The shit cops say...
Oh fuck! Breathing hurts—I love beer!
So anyways, it’s post St Paddy’s day and I’m just waking up from yet another all-nite bender. I just opened my first beer of the day, I was going to get wine drunk but turns-out I don’t have a corkscrew on my leatherman. This morning I had a buddy passed out on the couch and my breath smelled like Pledge furniture polish from all the lemon drop shots I took last night. I had a good time, hell I even danced, so you guys know I was plowed!
What the fuck to write about? Umm… Ok how about this?
The shit cops say!
I’m a huge fan of humor, I laugh till I piss myself on a daily basis. But what is it about cops, both civilian and military, that make us so fucked up! Anyone that associates with cops knows what I’m talking about. We speak using the following principle—Speed, Surprise, and Violence of Comment! You guys laugh and joke about my writing but most of it is exactly what I hear on a daily basis. I really wish you guys could trade places with me for a day just to hear some of the shit I hear, and I would borrow your liver. But in all seriousness you guys would probably go insane or stroke-out after hearing the “Water Cooler Talk” we have.
Cops are cynical fucks and jokes get passed around more than women, (which is a lot) the current trend seems to be with suicide. I have no other explanation other than, “We laugh just to keep from crying.” There’s not a day that doesn’t go by where I don’t make a finger gun and pretend to blow my brains out! Now I’m a stable mo’ fo’ and would never do such a thing but I’ll be god damned if it doesn’t get a ton of laughs! I also have lace-less Chuck Taylor’s, I call them my “Doctor’s Orders special” I know I’m terrible! I actually got into an in-depth conversation about which rooftop I was going to jump off of with a buddy at lunch the other day, “It better be a tall one cause I don’t want to limp away from it!” Was his response. I’m going to list a few example of some of the fucked up shit I hear, please don’t take offense just laugh or throw-up, which ever tickles your fancy, and by fancy I mean vagina.
“Those girls will suck your dick just to have something warm in their stomachs!” Yeah, I typed it, it’s wrong but fuckin’ funny! JMo was the contributor on this one when we were talking about Hookers in South East Asia. Honestly who has conversation about hookers in foreign countries?
“Hung like Jesus!” I just made that up the other day while I was cleaning the house and thought it was hilarious! Not sure what it means yet, you decide—
“Damn, she can talk to dolphins with that forehead!” Stunt Cock Hughes’s comment on a girl with a ridiculously large frontal lobe.
“Off yourself!” This is a great comeback to anyone who says dumb shit. Just cure the world of your stupid ass and blow your fuckin brains out! It’s an instaclassic! (See that I just made up a word!) This is the suicide thing I was talking about.
“I was born third generation ‘Don’t Give a Fuck!’” I love this phrase—although it wasn’t said by a cop it’s still worthy.
“Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy!” I’m not sure when I heard it but in the context it was a fuckin’ showstopper!
“Nuttier than a squirrel turd!” If I have to explain this you should “Off yourself!”
“Smells like semen and malt liquor!” This is great to say when someone farts. I first heard this on the back of a deuce going out to an FTX from Larry Ausbaugh.
“Smells like but sex and near-beer!” Modified version of the above, used in dry countries on deployments.
“Smart like tractor!”/”Sharp like ball!” Yeah, got these from Big Brian in Egypt. The tractors one is funny because that’s a completely underused word unless you’re from the Midwest. So anytime you can work tractor into the conversation it’s good for a laugh!
“That’s hotter than a nun getting raped!” I made this up one day, it’s unusual to say the least but I guarantee you it’ll get some fuckin’ attention!
“You write like Michael J. Fox on an Etch A Sketch!” This one’s funny shit that will make the pope laugh! I loved Back to the Future and Teenwolf but I also like sick twisted humor and this fits the bill!
“That’s better than a kick in the face with a golf shoe!” Petey used to say this in Baghdad all the time. It’s Rockstar awesome and I use it to describe how I’m woken-up every god damn day of the week over here!
“Cock Holster!” This is great when used to describe a woman’s mouth! Courtesy of Dick Steele (I can’t make that name up!)
Here’s a list of metaphors for promiscuous women:
“She’s getting filled out like an application!”
“She’s banged more than a screen door in a hurricane!”
“She’s been ran-though like the finish line at a marathon!”
“She was tighter than the Virgin Mary on Easter Sunday!” (I know, see you in hell)
“I was like parking a bicycle in an airplane hanger!”
“Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”
I’m sure there’s more but the blood in my alcohol stream is fuckin’ up my train of thought! Please let me know some of your favorites.
I have no idea why cops are like this, but it’s a world wide fact, we’re all sick fucks! I just wanted to give you guys and gals a glimpse into the messed up world I call life. This is just a scratch on the surface of what’s up in my noggin. I know you guys have a shit-ton of phrase and sayings like this, so please spread the wealth!
As always, Stay Trashy!
J
So anyways, it’s post St Paddy’s day and I’m just waking up from yet another all-nite bender. I just opened my first beer of the day, I was going to get wine drunk but turns-out I don’t have a corkscrew on my leatherman. This morning I had a buddy passed out on the couch and my breath smelled like Pledge furniture polish from all the lemon drop shots I took last night. I had a good time, hell I even danced, so you guys know I was plowed!
What the fuck to write about? Umm… Ok how about this?
The shit cops say!
I’m a huge fan of humor, I laugh till I piss myself on a daily basis. But what is it about cops, both civilian and military, that make us so fucked up! Anyone that associates with cops knows what I’m talking about. We speak using the following principle—Speed, Surprise, and Violence of Comment! You guys laugh and joke about my writing but most of it is exactly what I hear on a daily basis. I really wish you guys could trade places with me for a day just to hear some of the shit I hear, and I would borrow your liver. But in all seriousness you guys would probably go insane or stroke-out after hearing the “Water Cooler Talk” we have.
Cops are cynical fucks and jokes get passed around more than women, (which is a lot) the current trend seems to be with suicide. I have no other explanation other than, “We laugh just to keep from crying.” There’s not a day that doesn’t go by where I don’t make a finger gun and pretend to blow my brains out! Now I’m a stable mo’ fo’ and would never do such a thing but I’ll be god damned if it doesn’t get a ton of laughs! I also have lace-less Chuck Taylor’s, I call them my “Doctor’s Orders special” I know I’m terrible! I actually got into an in-depth conversation about which rooftop I was going to jump off of with a buddy at lunch the other day, “It better be a tall one cause I don’t want to limp away from it!” Was his response. I’m going to list a few example of some of the fucked up shit I hear, please don’t take offense just laugh or throw-up, which ever tickles your fancy, and by fancy I mean vagina.
“Those girls will suck your dick just to have something warm in their stomachs!” Yeah, I typed it, it’s wrong but fuckin’ funny! JMo was the contributor on this one when we were talking about Hookers in South East Asia. Honestly who has conversation about hookers in foreign countries?
“Hung like Jesus!” I just made that up the other day while I was cleaning the house and thought it was hilarious! Not sure what it means yet, you decide—
“Damn, she can talk to dolphins with that forehead!” Stunt Cock Hughes’s comment on a girl with a ridiculously large frontal lobe.
“Off yourself!” This is a great comeback to anyone who says dumb shit. Just cure the world of your stupid ass and blow your fuckin brains out! It’s an instaclassic! (See that I just made up a word!) This is the suicide thing I was talking about.
“I was born third generation ‘Don’t Give a Fuck!’” I love this phrase—although it wasn’t said by a cop it’s still worthy.
“Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy!” I’m not sure when I heard it but in the context it was a fuckin’ showstopper!
“Nuttier than a squirrel turd!” If I have to explain this you should “Off yourself!”
“Smells like semen and malt liquor!” This is great to say when someone farts. I first heard this on the back of a deuce going out to an FTX from Larry Ausbaugh.
“Smells like but sex and near-beer!” Modified version of the above, used in dry countries on deployments.
“Smart like tractor!”/”Sharp like ball!” Yeah, got these from Big Brian in Egypt. The tractors one is funny because that’s a completely underused word unless you’re from the Midwest. So anytime you can work tractor into the conversation it’s good for a laugh!
“That’s hotter than a nun getting raped!” I made this up one day, it’s unusual to say the least but I guarantee you it’ll get some fuckin’ attention!
“You write like Michael J. Fox on an Etch A Sketch!” This one’s funny shit that will make the pope laugh! I loved Back to the Future and Teenwolf but I also like sick twisted humor and this fits the bill!
“That’s better than a kick in the face with a golf shoe!” Petey used to say this in Baghdad all the time. It’s Rockstar awesome and I use it to describe how I’m woken-up every god damn day of the week over here!
“Cock Holster!” This is great when used to describe a woman’s mouth! Courtesy of Dick Steele (I can’t make that name up!)
Here’s a list of metaphors for promiscuous women:
“She’s getting filled out like an application!”
“She’s banged more than a screen door in a hurricane!”
“She’s been ran-though like the finish line at a marathon!”
“She was tighter than the Virgin Mary on Easter Sunday!” (I know, see you in hell)
“I was like parking a bicycle in an airplane hanger!”
“Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”
I’m sure there’s more but the blood in my alcohol stream is fuckin’ up my train of thought! Please let me know some of your favorites.
I have no idea why cops are like this, but it’s a world wide fact, we’re all sick fucks! I just wanted to give you guys and gals a glimpse into the messed up world I call life. This is just a scratch on the surface of what’s up in my noggin. I know you guys have a shit-ton of phrase and sayings like this, so please spread the wealth!
As always, Stay Trashy!
J
posted by J at 5:54 AM
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