Decisions…Decisions……

Alright folks bear with me this is going to be a different kind of post toady. All my other blogs cover drunken debauchery, strippers, and funny daily happenings; this one, however is a little more serious. I’m not saying that I don’t take my booze, women, and good times seriously; you all know I do. But this one is about a decision, a decision that effects the rest of my life.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
That’s a question we’ve all be asked since birth. I can remember some of my answers; an astronaut in second grade, and the only reason I said that is because it was Shannon Sass’s answer and it sounded pretty damn cool. Later in my upbringings I wanted to be a fireman, farmer, police office, bartender, game warden, porn-star, carpenter, musician/songwriter, and an optometrist. Some of those things are a little far fetched, like the musician, and the astronaut but I think if I really wanted to I could be any of the others. But here I am, seven years out of school and I’m an Airman. I’m at war, fighting for our country; never would have guessed that.

I’m not even sure what sparked the initial decision other than money for college. But Monts, Helf, and I were going to join up on the buddy system so we could go rock the AF wherever we went but that just didn’t work out for some reason. I don’t regret my decision; I’ve been to places and done things I’ve only dreamed about. I’ve meet the most incredible people in the world and made friendships that will last a life time. But there comes the time to make the decision whether to stay or go in the AF. Re-enlistment. I’m on my second enlistment, and the decision to re-enlist the first time was probably the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, until now. I hurt some people when I decided it; my mom cried because it meant I would have to be away longer. Sharlie wasn’t too terribly happy with me; I think she cried a bit too. There were a few others that it affected also. But everyone understood why and stood behind my decision.

I re-enlisted because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t have any plan for getting out, and had to make a decision rather hastily after a deployment. The first four years weren’t too bad and so what’s four more. I still don’t regret it, because in the last three years I’ve grown-up immensely and progressed in my life and career a great deal and I’m damn proud of the man I’ve become. But like all good things this enlistment is coming to an end and I’m once again at a crossroads in my life and have to make the decision again. The big difference this time is another enlistment will put me with over ten years in service and over half way to retirement. Decisions…Decisions…

So now what do I do? It all goes back to the same question; What do you want to be when you grow up? It’s been probably 20 years since I first heard this question and I’m still drawing a blank. I would really like to separate from the service and start a new life. I say a new life because when you’re in the service it’s a way of life not just a job. I don’t want to be 40 and just starting a new life without the service. Plus I don’t think I could handle being deployed half the year if I ever get a wife and kids; that would tear me up. I have one year and some change left on this enlistment and I’m starting to get myself lined up to get out; which is something I should have done the first go round. But I can always fall back on the AF because it’s easier. I’m completely indecisive.

I sit and think about what I what to achieve with my life and came come up with a ton of stuff. I’d like to start a family, settle down in one place for a while, buy a house and fix it up, go to college, be a regular guy with job who reads the paper every morning and works some over time, on a bowling league, enjoy the weekends like a normal person. I’d like to get hitched but that’s something I don’t have a whole lot of control over and it also makes me second guess my decision about getting out. The world is a huge place and I haven’t met everyone yet, so I could miss my chance with her if I get out but; on the turn of the coin I could also miss her if I don’t get out. Sometimes I think I’d be easier to walk away from everything if I had a wife; I know it sounds weird but hell I’d never be alone and I’d have someone to tell me what to do. I’m completely indecisive.

But what I want to achieve with my career I haven’t a clue. I don’t want to go to college get a degree and get a job with it, I want to go to college to get an education and dabble in everything. I don’t want a degree plan, I want to take all the course that interest me and quench my thirst for knowledge. I can’t comment to a degree in one certain thing, because I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. What happens when I get that degree and that job and I don’t like it? Was it all a waste? Do I go back to school and try it again? I’m completely indecisive.

This is what I feel like; I could stick this out till retirement which wouldn’t be too hard if I’m single. I could go back to good ol’ Illinois where thing are familiar to me and I know people to help me starting out. Or I could just abandon everything I know as a career and go start new somewhere. I’ve put a lot of thought into the third option. Just selling everything I don’t need and moving somewhere, North Carolina or the Florida Keys and just making it work. Working a job, making my rent and just living life without worry. Money isn’t important, my values are the only thing I need to get by with. I’m completely indecisive.

I wish someone could just tell me what to do. I wish it was an easier decision. I wish a lot. But no matter what I do or where I’m at, I’m certain one day, I want a family, a house, a dog, and a job. The job I could honestly give a damn about. I don’t care what I do as long as I’m challenged and don’t get bored with it. The salary doesn’t matter I’ve been poor before and know how to deal with that. I just want to have some job satisfaction at the end of each day knowing I’ve earned my days wages. Honest work, but in what career? And also since I’m 25 now I need to think about retirement and health benefits. Which adds to the problem of the job.

This is what’s rattling my cage a lot these days. I think about it more than I think about the bike, booze, and sex; which is a goddamn lot. I don’t know the answer to the questions I’m asking myself and it’s going to drive me to the nut house. Some day I’ll figure it all out, just ask me on the 30th of September next year.

The Number……

I needed an idea of what to write about so I called my best friend Kel and asked if she had any good ideas; of course she did. Kel is a bartemptreess and they have some strange conversations, I mean come on we’ve all seen “Waiting” these people who serve us our food have nothing better to do than make fun of the customer’s and party. She had some strange ideas at first like Anal Sex for Midgets, Beer and Bullfighting, LSD and White water Rafting, Blondes for President, and finally The Number.

Ah, yes, The Number! You all know what number I’m talking about, the one you want to ask every girl you date about but are genuinely afraid of the answer. If you still don’t know, it’s the number of people you’ve slept with. This is a pretty serious matter and I will be as candid and as frank as I can be ensuring to offend the general public.

It’s just a number right? It’s all in the past? It doesn’t matter, she’s with me now? Right… This question has ended more relationships than internet porn! And it’s usually the person asking, ending the relationship. How do you ask the question? Why do you ask the question? What answer do you really want to hear? How do you recover from the answer you didn’t want to hear? These are all questions you should ask yourself before you ask your partner.

How do you ask the question? This is a subject in a new relationship that can be approached easily enough, the topic of sex. It’s usually best to take a casual approach so she doesn’t think you’re some sort of sex addict or nympho; joking and sexual innuendo usually do the trick. That will get the ball rolling and allow for some mutual stories to be shared and then once you get a good feel, figuratively not literally, you can proceed, albeit with caution, to the big question. Straightforward and upfront is the best way, just ask, “So how many people have you been with?” if she counters this with another question, such as, “Well do you mean orally, anally, vaginally, or at the same time?” You should draw a huge red letter “A” on her chest and run for the hills. If she looks confused, or deep in though, you want to take the answer with a grain of salt because it’s more than likely not true. If she asks for scratch paper and a calculator, repeat evacuation plan above. But if she’s calm and slightly hesitant; because she cares about you; and answers in a timely fashion you more than likely have an honest answer. What you do with that answer is up to you.

Now why do you want to ask the question? This should have been in the above paragraph but I’m writing so fuck you. Why do some people insist on knowing? Well it’s the “Chasing Amy” syndrome; we’re insecure about our sexual past and hope we’re on the same level as our new mate. We also ask to see how we measure up to the past and we all want to be the best they’ve ever had. It’s also good to know if we need to brush up on the ol’ Karma Sutra book or go ask your favorite exotic dancer for some pointers in the sack. We want to be Chris Columbus and be the first to find things and discover new places. That’s completely overrated and it’s much easier if she’s got a little sexual experience under her belt and can move on her own. But it’s a question that can drive some people to madness, like Holden McNeil, and force you into an awkward situation depending on the answer given.

Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!! This is corny but it’s true. If the number is low, it’s not a big deal, just so long as her past matches up to the number. If she has some pretty bizarre sexual stories and a low number then she’s a lying tramp (most of the time). The one exception to this is if she was, at one point in her life a lesbian, and didn’t count the ladies. You guys can laugh but I’ve had it happen. I was once told that her parents would most definitely like me because I have a penis; she went on to explain that she’d dated just girls for the past eight years or something like that and her parents would be happy she was now in a heterosexual relationship. I can’t make this shit up. If the girls number is high, this means two things; one: she could be a closet case nympho and just flat out loves to fuck; two: she likes you more than you think and is just being honest for the sake of the relationship. You need to evaluate this and proceed with caution.


It’s up to you to decide how high’s too high. That’s a matter of personal views and standards, I have no standards and my personal view is pretty strange so I can’t give you direct answers on this. You just have to ask yourself how much you dig this girl and if you can handle a future with a girl that’s banged more than a screen door in a hurricane. Some people don’t have a problem knowing the real answer, they can accept it and carry on having a normal life. I mean come on people marry porn stars! But if having sex with her always feels like sitting on warm toilet seat; you know someone just got up from doing what you’re about to do; it’s a problem in your head and you need to fix yourself or end the relationship. But be very careful, if you chose to end it. Ending it because of something as shallow as this will result in a very harsh breakup. You’ll be called narrow minded, insensitive, insecure, as well as having your number thrown in your face and being called everything you called her, because lets face it, you’re not trying out for the priesthood either. It’s a tough decision and you should consider the relationship in the long run, do you really want the mother of your children to be know as “Finger Cuffs?” That’s all on you.


Authors note: I’m writing this, so it’s from the point of view of a 24, almost 25 year old male. It’s written one sided but it can be applied for women who need to ask their guys the question. “Finger Cuffs” was stolen from Chasing Amy because I’m not witty enough at this hour to come up with another nickname for a whore. Oh wait how about “Ten Dollar Tina” or “Hand-job Hailey” just throwing those out there. Anyways thanks for reading and please tell me what you think. Also I never ask about the number, I’m not emotionally ready to know the kind of destruction I will receive as an answer. Plus I’m a gentleman and never kiss and tell, at least I don’t tell the whole story.
J

The shit cops say...

Oh fuck! Breathing hurts—I love beer!
So anyways, it’s post St Paddy’s day and I’m just waking up from yet another all-nite bender. I just opened my first beer of the day, I was going to get wine drunk but turns-out I don’t have a corkscrew on my leatherman. This morning I had a buddy passed out on the couch and my breath smelled like Pledge furniture polish from all the lemon drop shots I took last night. I had a good time, hell I even danced, so you guys know I was plowed!

What the fuck to write about? Umm… Ok how about this?
The shit cops say!
I’m a huge fan of humor, I laugh till I piss myself on a daily basis. But what is it about cops, both civilian and military, that make us so fucked up! Anyone that associates with cops knows what I’m talking about. We speak using the following principle—Speed, Surprise, and Violence of Comment! You guys laugh and joke about my writing but most of it is exactly what I hear on a daily basis. I really wish you guys could trade places with me for a day just to hear some of the shit I hear, and I would borrow your liver. But in all seriousness you guys would probably go insane or stroke-out after hearing the “Water Cooler Talk” we have.

Cops are cynical fucks and jokes get passed around more than women, (which is a lot) the current trend seems to be with suicide. I have no other explanation other than, “We laugh just to keep from crying.” There’s not a day that doesn’t go by where I don’t make a finger gun and pretend to blow my brains out! Now I’m a stable mo’ fo’ and would never do such a thing but I’ll be god damned if it doesn’t get a ton of laughs! I also have lace-less Chuck Taylor’s, I call them my “Doctor’s Orders special” I know I’m terrible! I actually got into an in-depth conversation about which rooftop I was going to jump off of with a buddy at lunch the other day, “It better be a tall one cause I don’t want to limp away from it!” Was his response. I’m going to list a few example of some of the fucked up shit I hear, please don’t take offense just laugh or throw-up, which ever tickles your fancy, and by fancy I mean vagina.

“Those girls will suck your dick just to have something warm in their stomachs!” Yeah, I typed it, it’s wrong but fuckin’ funny! JMo was the contributor on this one when we were talking about Hookers in South East Asia. Honestly who has conversation about hookers in foreign countries?

“Hung like Jesus!” I just made that up the other day while I was cleaning the house and thought it was hilarious! Not sure what it means yet, you decide—

“Damn, she can talk to dolphins with that forehead!” Stunt Cock Hughes’s comment on a girl with a ridiculously large frontal lobe.

“Off yourself!” This is a great comeback to anyone who says dumb shit. Just cure the world of your stupid ass and blow your fuckin brains out! It’s an instaclassic! (See that I just made up a word!) This is the suicide thing I was talking about.

“I was born third generation ‘Don’t Give a Fuck!’” I love this phrase—although it wasn’t said by a cop it’s still worthy.

“Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy!” I’m not sure when I heard it but in the context it was a fuckin’ showstopper!

“Nuttier than a squirrel turd!” If I have to explain this you should “Off yourself!”

“Smells like semen and malt liquor!” This is great to say when someone farts. I first heard this on the back of a deuce going out to an FTX from Larry Ausbaugh.

“Smells like but sex and near-beer!” Modified version of the above, used in dry countries on deployments.

“Smart like tractor!”/”Sharp like ball!” Yeah, got these from Big Brian in Egypt. The tractors one is funny because that’s a completely underused word unless you’re from the Midwest. So anytime you can work tractor into the conversation it’s good for a laugh!

“That’s hotter than a nun getting raped!” I made this up one day, it’s unusual to say the least but I guarantee you it’ll get some fuckin’ attention!

“You write like Michael J. Fox on an Etch A Sketch!” This one’s funny shit that will make the pope laugh! I loved Back to the Future and Teenwolf but I also like sick twisted humor and this fits the bill!

“That’s better than a kick in the face with a golf shoe!” Petey used to say this in Baghdad all the time. It’s Rockstar awesome and I use it to describe how I’m woken-up every god damn day of the week over here!

“Cock Holster!” This is great when used to describe a woman’s mouth! Courtesy of Dick Steele (I can’t make that name up!)

Here’s a list of metaphors for promiscuous women:
“She’s getting filled out like an application!”
“She’s banged more than a screen door in a hurricane!”
“She’s been ran-though like the finish line at a marathon!”
“She was tighter than the Virgin Mary on Easter Sunday!” (I know, see you in hell)
“I was like parking a bicycle in an airplane hanger!”
“Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”
I’m sure there’s more but the blood in my alcohol stream is fuckin’ up my train of thought! Please let me know some of your favorites.

I have no idea why cops are like this, but it’s a world wide fact, we’re all sick fucks! I just wanted to give you guys and gals a glimpse into the messed up world I call life. This is just a scratch on the surface of what’s up in my noggin. I know you guys have a shit-ton of phrase and sayings like this, so please spread the wealth!
As always, Stay Trashy!
J

Always the groomsman never the groom.

We lets see here, I’ve been a “Best Man” four different times, met some awesome bridesmaids, drank in many churches, made some Oscar winning toasts, and caught countless garters; but I have yet to be the groom. I often wonder why that is. I know and have dated some of the most incredible women on the planet but I still haven’t settled down. It’s weird, I’m even still friends with most all my exes, even though almost all of them have moved on an gotten married. I’m not sure why I’m one of the last bachelor’s in my peer group?
But I think I have an answer: I’m afraid of commitment. Here’s why.
How do you know she’s the “Right One?” I do have regrets maybe one or two that got away could have been “The One” but hind-sight is always twenty-twenty and you forget how annoying someone is when their not around.
Marriage; its huge decision that I’m not sure I’m capable of making. I know that sounds stupid and many people will think I’ve made bigger decisions in other aspects that’ll affect the rest of my life; yet I balk at this decision. I’ve seen so many marriages end in divorce or even worse they just get drawn out over time and it scares the shit out of me. I know that sometimes a divorce is the best choice a person or two people can ever make in their lives. But am I just optioning to not make the previous decision so I’ll never have to choose the decision of divorce?
I honestly think it’s all in my head but I don’t believe in the one marriage lasting a life time tradition anymore. I don’t know if true love like that really exists anymore. I don’t really have any facts to go off of here but just take a look around society these days. There are 24 year olds on their third marriage or there’s 50 year olds taking the oath for the first time. To be honest I’d like to settle down and start a family sometime before age 50, but hell by then is it even worth it? The honeymoon would be a night of Bingo and Viagra.
True love is still out there but I think over the years the strict values of monogamy have been tarnished. People get married for the wrong reasons and don’t fully understand the “In sickness and health, good times and bad” part of the vows. Our grandparents did, that’s why now of days you see couples celebrating their 50th or 75th wedding anniversary. But in fifty years you won’t see that from our generation, instead you’ll see headlines like, “5th time was really a charm” and “Lucky kids finally got it right ten years ago today!”
That’s what the world is coming too. I don’t know the reasons for it but it could be blamed on anything these days. I do think TV has something to do with it as well as the lack of people who regularly attend church. TV has made a mockery of the values and traditions that go into a marriage. Almost to the point that the more ex-husbands or ex-wives you have the better. In the olden days people went to church every Sunday and believed everything the preacher said and held those values close to their hearts.
Now of days people hold their wallets and their IPODs close to their hearts and put material possessions in front of morals and values. Is it because those items determine their social status and that’s what they think will make them happy? Yes. I know people these days; because of TV; put these things in front of everything so they can fit in. Rewind 40 to 50 years ago; people with failing marriages were frowned upon. The newlyweds who couldn’t make it were shunned from their social groups and looked down on by most everyone. How did society lose touch with all of this?
I have no on in particular to point a finger at and it makes me mad. I’m not saying that true love doesn’t exist but I do think it’s rare. I also don’t mean to crush anyone’s dreams but I’ve always been a realist and know that this stuff only happens in Nicholas Sparks books. I do hope to find “The One” some day and spend the rest of my life with her but anymore that’s a long-shot at best.

~GENERAL DISCLAIMER~ I’ve decided to post some of my more personal and funny stories on the blog, some of the names have been changed, some haven’t. If it offends you don’t read it, if it involves you please laugh along and if I missed a few details, help me out a bit. ~EX-GIRLFRIENDS, FUTURE EX-GIRLFRIENDS DISCLAIMER~ If one of my stories involves you and offends you I’m sorry, if it’s real bad I’ll take if off here. If it’s too bad I probably won’t even post it. ~Single Friends Disclaimer-Not to worry my friends and readers I’m not going all nut job and starting a cult. Nor am I going to find a hooker just to get married. I simply wanted to say what was on my mind. Rest assured I’ll be back at the bar with you single ones as soon as I can.~